i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize