tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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