I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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