I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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