literally had 100 drinks last night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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