I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
