I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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