God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
