I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize