How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
