was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
