Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
