I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
