I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
