John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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