dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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