she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize