I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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