After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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