My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
