uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
