margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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