So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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