She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
