Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
