M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
