Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
