How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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