dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
