My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Green mimosas i think yes
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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