Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And then my night got REAL pukey
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
