Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
