cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
