Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
