whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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