Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My penis needs a shock collar
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize