I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
