gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
