They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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