I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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