I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
