Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
