is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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