I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
