I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize