Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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