brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
