I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drake has all the answers
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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