just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
