how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
