does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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