Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize