Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
