I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Vodka?
Forever.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
