When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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