thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
