Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
