Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize